I’ve been dreading updating for the past few months. Mainly because I knew how hard this entry would be, but almost 3 months later, I’m realizing it probably won’t become any easier, so I might as well just do it and finally get this off my chest.

Tibbies passed away. My darling little sunshine of 21 years, my baby…I had to make the hardest decision of my entire life on March 12th and let him go. I actually got up on the exam table in my vet’s office and held him in my lap the whole time. He went very peacefully…it was very quick and even though it was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, it couldn’t have gone any…well, I don’t want to say, ‘better’, but there were no problems. He went quickly and peacefully. As we do with all our pets who we have to say goodbye to, we asked Dr. J to anesthetize him first before giving him the final injection. Mamma was with me; I couldn’t do that alone because I knew there was a chance that I might not be bringing him home after his exam. Dr. J gave us as much time as we needed with him once he confirmed that Tibbies was indeed gone. I just held him in my lap and told him how much I loved him, thanked him for all the joy he brought into my life, and cherished the very last time I’d ever hold and see my boy. We spent about 30 minutes in there and then decided it was time to say goodbye, forever, and had a vet tech come and take him in the back.

I think (actually, I know) what’s made having had to let him go so hard both mentally and physically (I lost my appetite for nearly a month, I’ll be the first to admit I look terrible; I look way too skinny and I don’t look healthy. I lost about 10 pounds between the stress of losing Tibbies. I’m trying so hard to put some weight back on but I’m still at a very weak point, but I’m trying), is the fact that this was so unexpected. Yes, he was 21, but he wasn’t an old cat. He’s always amazed vets and other people because he’s always been so healthy and in great shape. So if someone were to tell me on March 6th that in 6 days Tibbies would be gone, I would have told them they’re insane. I knew he wouldn’t be with me forever, as much as I wish he would have been. But I never saw this coming. Never in a million years did I expect what happened to him, to happen.

Really early on the morning of the 7th, he had his last dose of medicine around 2:30am. Ma and I were talking and as always, Tibbies was on her bed along with Minnie and Lilly. He was fine, purring, happy as can be as he always was. I went to bed around 3am. Around 9am we heard a very odd-pitched meow coming from my Mamma’s room. One of his many sleeping spots is on the side of Mamma’s bed, and we didn’t see him on her bed, so we knew he had to be over on the side. I was puzzled, as was Ma, what was wrong, but I knew something was because he wouldn’t have been making that type of meow. He looked fine, but something had to be wrong, so I wanted to put him on the bed and turned the light on to check him out and see if I could figure it out. If not, we’d take him to the vet. So I picked him up and propped him up on Mamma’s bed, but he just plopped over. I thought, ‘Okay, that’s…odd, let’s try again’. I propped him up on all fours, and he plopped over again. Then I did the same thing as before, but this time, only his tush and back legs flopped over to his side, but he was able to balance himself on his front paws and kept his front limbs up. Then it just hit me by the position he was in and how his tail was in a really odd angle, he was paralyzed in his back legs.

Never in my life had I ever been that horrified when we made that realization. I thought, “Oh my god, how the hell did this happen?” I mean, 6 hours earlier he was fine, he was perfect. I just assumed somewhere between 3 and 9am he must have thrown a clot or have had a mild stroke. So when it hit us that what was wrong, was that he couldn’t use his back legs, my Ma woke my Aunt up and told her, and she rushed in. We were all just bawling but trying to stay calm so we wouldn’t upset him. It was insanely hard because if this was how he would be for the rest of his life, I’d have to let him go. He would be miserable living a life without his mobility and freedom and control of his bladder and bowel, but I also held up hope that maybe, just maybe…something could be done. Luckily our vet, Dr. J, was working that day and had an opening at 11am, so we took it and we all just tried to prepare ourselves for the outcome. I was just praying so hard, asking my Dad and my Grandpa to save him. He’s come through tough things before so I had to hold out hope that there was at least a chance we’d get another miracle and he could somehow get his mobility back.

In 2004, I remember coming home from cheer one night and I noticed immediately when I saw him that something was wrong. He was in an odd stance in an odd spot. I know Tibbies and I knew something wasn’t right. He wasn’t very responsive, it was like he was in a trance. We had one of our other vets come to the house to check him out and she said it was likely that he had a mild stroke or was throwing clots and one may have been the cause of his odd behavior. I thought back then that I’d have to let him go, but in just 2 days, he was fine and back to his normal, playful, demanding, loving self. Miracle.

Then I think in my last post or the post before that, I explained his eye issue. Sudden blindness. Horrifying. Every time he would bump into something I wouldn’t just shead a tear, I would start bawling because watching your baby go through that…It was terrible. Dr. J said that there was no guarantee he’d even get his sight back, and it’d take about three weeks to even see any results, if he were to get better. Only nine days later, not even a week and a half had passed, and he got it back. Another miracle.

So, we took him to the vet that day hoping we’d be able to get another miracle. I just held him in my lap on the way there and hoped so badly that I’d be bringing him home.

Mamma drove and came with me to Tibbies’ appointment with Dr. J. I don’t trust anyone else with him, so I was so insanely grateful that he was working that day and could see him. He was the one who saved his eyes, and he’s the one who Tibbies is comfortable with and knows. So when Dr J. came in the exam room I immediately got emotional and very anxious. He’s a great vet though. He always listens, takes as much time with us as we need…he’s very thorough, not one of those vets who rushes you. He said T’s heart sounded fine and when he checked out his back legs, Tibbies actually hissed at him. It was funny because Tibbies was always so chill, so to see him hiss at Dr. J. was surprising but also a good sign. He reacted to sensation, so the limbs weren’t dead, which is a good sign. However, Dr. J. said that the cause of this sudden paralysis was exactly what I had thought it was — he either had a mild stroke or he had thrown a clot. It was also possible there may have been some sort of tumor pressing up his spinal cord…that, we wouldn’t know without surgery, but that wasn’t an option. Exploratory surgery on a 21-year-old cat, even one as healthy as Tibbies, is insane, and no vet with a brain will do it. So we were left with a dilemma. Yes, Tibbies did have sensation in his back legs and we even saw him twitch them and stretch them out on the exam table. However, even Dr. J. couldn’t tell us if this was voluntary, or simply random neurological reflexes.

So we all stood there and Mamma directly asked him, “Dr. J., if he was your cat, what would you do?”. He said that we could try adjusting his blood pressure medication (adding another dose, so 2x a day vs. 1x a day), and see if that would help. Dr. J. also gave him a steroid injection that may help. I was so, so relieved. I mean, we had to at least try to save his legs. Like when he lost his eyesight, Dr. J. said there was no guarantee, but it wouldn’t be fair to Tibbies if we didn’t at least try. He’s always been a fighter and has come through hard things in the past, and I knew I’d regret it if I just put him to sleep without trying. There’s always hope, and I held on to that until the follow-up visit on Saturday.

It was a long 5 days. My Ma took the week off from work because she knew how hard taking care of him was; Bless her heart. The steroid shot made him extremely hungry, so he was constantly eating. Unfortunately he didn’t have control over his bladder so we had to keep him on those pads for incontinence. Then I’d have to clean him up 4-6x a day…it was stressful but you do what you have to do when you love someone. I remember one afternoon I just broke down due to the stress and the possibility that I’d have to say goodbye to him very soon, and I just cried and cried while I held him in my arms. He hates water and I’m hovered over him drenching him with tears. But, he just purred and kept looking at me calmly with his big green eyes with a look that said, “It’s okay, Mamma. No matter what happens, it’ll be okay”. I’m bawling right now just thinking about that and typing this. HE helped me stay strong when he was the one who was in peril. But that’s my Tibbies. Always so loving, so reassuring. Then on Friday night, before his follow-up visit, I just lost it. I knew the Saturday visit would be the day I’d know for sure if we’d have more time with Tibbies, or if I’d have to let him go. I was an absolute mess because the thought of having to say goodbye to him just ripped me to shreds inside. I was scared, too. I mean, I’ve had Tibbies since I was four years old. I was almost 24 at the time. I don’t remember any point in my life where he wasn’t in it. So the thought of suddenly having him out of my life…it was scary. Very sad and very frightening. He was NEVER, ever, ‘Just a cat’, to me. Never. He was always my baby, my sunshine. If I was having bad day, he would be able to make me smile. If I was alone and needed a shoulder to cry on, I would just hold and cuddle him and cry, and he’d purr and put up with me getting him drenched with tears. I thought of all his habits, the funny, the quirky, the seemingly annoying, and how much I’d miss them all. Listening to his purr, I thought of how much I’d miss that sound. He loved having his paws massaged. I loved holding his paw in my hand; It was always so precious to me. I just held his paws and kissed them and thought how much I’d miss those cute little white paws of his. I looked at his face. His beautiful, precious little face. Waking up to it every morning, kissing him goodnight every night…oh, that precious little face of his. His long white whiskers. His little white Popple-looking ‘puff balls’ by his nose. Every single thing about him. I just thought how much I would miss it. I literally cried myself to sleep that night and held his paw in my hand. Then when Saturday came…although we tried, although we prayed, although we did everything we could, Dr. J. said that unfortunately, he wouldn’t get any better if he wasn’t showing any improvement by that day. I can’t even describe what hearing that was like. That reality that lingered over as a possible ending, was happening. I just remember feeling my heart sink into my stomach and I just lost it after I had to ask myself the two vital questions. First, was he in pain? No, thank goodness. Second, was he happy? …He was content. But living a life without his full mobility…he’d become very unhappy very quickly. And no one wants to have to say goodbye to their pet. They’re part of the family, we love them. But I couldn’t be selfish and keep him alive just because I wasn’t ready to let him go. I’d never be ready for something like that, and I loved him too much to make him live an unhappy life.

Mamma put it perfectly that day when we were driving home from the vet. “How could an act of love hurt so much?”.

I can’t believe it’ll be 3 months that I had to let him go on the 12th. It still seems like yesterday, the wound is still so fresh. My heart still hurts so badly, but I’m trying to take comfort in the fact that he’s at peace now. He’s able to run around again, able to play…he’s back to how he should be. And even though he should be here with me, that still gives me some comfort. I was blessed to have had such an amazing little guy in my life for so long.

To my Tibbies, my baby. Thank you. Thank you for giving me the privilege of being MY cat, my sunshine. Thank you for your many years of constant companionship. Thank you for all the love, all the happiness, and all the joy you brought to my life. Thank you for always being there for me when I needed someone to go to. Thank you for coming into my life, and being my sunshine. You literally lit up my life, and I will never, ever forget you or anything about you. I’ll cherish all the memories, all your habits…everything. Rest in peace my little son, you will always be in my heart.

Happy hump day everyone! I’m SO excited that today’s the day; We’re off to paradise (well, one of my places in the world!) in a few hours! I just wanted to toss up a quick post before I lay down to try and get a few hours of sleep before we head out (aiming to be on the road by 8, 9 at the very latest!).

As always, I’ll be updating Twitter, TweetPhoto, and flickr with pictures, videos, and updates constantly! I may even do a video blog from the hotel! We’ll see..! That’d definitely be something fun and different!

Also, I want to wish EVERYONE at dance who’s competing at this year’s Holiday Dance Classic the BEST of LUCK! I love you all; I’ll be there in spirit cheerin’ everyone on! Special love to Tamar, Martin, Lupe, Tony, Monica, Jen, Tara, and Carrie. I know not all  of you are competing but your kids and students will be in my thoughts and cheers, too! Everyone will be amazing and I can’t wait to see the ‘Top Studio‘ trophy high up on a shelf for all to see in our house!

Happy birthday to…uh, my site? Haha yes, dolcezza.net is 7 years old today. Aww. Seriously, time flies.

…And since the last time I blogged was in MAY, I figured today would be the perfect time to finally update this bitch.

A LOT has happened in the past 5-6 months. I had my personal ‘hell week’ last week, which was tough as usual but also easier to get through. The week of Nov. 4th – Nov. 11th is insanely tough for me for many reasons, all which surround my Dad. The 4th is the anniversary of his death (it was 14 years ago on Wednesday the 4th, but still seems like yesterday that I was at his funeral). The 10th is his birthday (he would have turned 64 last Tuesday) and the USMC’s (U. S. Marine Corps) 234th birthday, and my Dad was a Marine who served in Vietnam in the late ’60′s. Then the 11th is Veteran’s day, so obviously I don’t have to explain that one. It’s insane how much can happen in the span of just ONE week. But, it’s over, and it was made easier this year by my Mama, my Aunt, and my Dad’s friends from the USMC. Jerry called me on the 4th to just let me know he was thinking of me and just said the nicest things about my Dad. I wasn’t home when he called but he left a voicemail that made me cry like a baby, but in a good way. I swear, I may have lost my Dad but I am still so, so lucky to have tracked down his friends and to have met and got to know them. They’re all just…I don’t even know the words. Nothing can describe how amazing and caring they are. I could spend all day trying to explain how wonderful they are but it wouldn’t do them justice. And just thinking that my Dad’s friends are now my friends (and practically family) is…amazing. Absolutely amazing.

We’ve had some hard times with the pets over the past few months as well. We had to put Sadie, our Shiba Inu, to sleep on the 11th (which is a hard day already, having to suddenly say goodbye to her forever broke my heart). She’d been showing some signs of arthritis and has been having some trouble walking and staying afoot on the tile (about 1/2 our house is tile flooring), but arthritis is quite common in animals just like people, so we took her to the vet, Dr. J (most amazing vet ever, I love him) said she seems fine but put her on Rimadyl (an arthritis medication for dogs; Very common), and we thought things would be fine. We’ve used Rimadyl on many of our dogs in the past and it worked very well for them. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for Sadie. On Wednesday morning she just looked terrible. She was barely able to get up, she was slipping all over, and she just looked so…sad, I guess. I don’t know how else to explain that look she had. So, we knew the Rimadyl obviously hadn’t helped her and we had to make the decision to let her go. It was so hard because it was so unexpected, and she wasn’t an old dog. She wasn’t a puppy by any means but she wasn’t an old dog, either. She still had so much life and personality inside, but her poor body just couldn’t keep up with her. There’s no surgery options for her physical state, it’s just how she was. So as much as it killed us to have to say goodbye and put her to sleep, we had to do it, for her. Keeping her alive any longer wouldn’t have been fair to her, and she would just be struggling and constantly suffering — that’s no way to live.

We also lost Buddy, our Lhasa Apso, about 4 weeks ago. However, Buddy’s death was very different because we knew it was coming and expected it. He had lost his hearing about a year ago (Sadie was also completely deaf but it never hindered her from anything; She was still very bright but damn stubborn!) and he was starting to lose his sight, too. Then he got an eye infection and this thing spread unbelievably fast. We tried treating it but the drops and medications didn’t work, and when it got even worse the vet said he’d have to remove the actual eye because infection could spread. So that was when we knew it was time to let him go.

Buddy’s death was much different from Sadie’s. We’d had him for at least 7 or 8 years, and he was an old dog. We lost Sadie 7 days shy of her 2 year ‘homecoming’ (or day we found her), which is this Wednesday the 18th. Ironically, we found Lilly the same day and I HAD to keep her. I just bonded with that little brat crazy fast and couldn’t part from her. It seems like yesterday we brought her home, but it also seems like we’ve always had her.

We didn’t have another death, but a HUGE scare about 3 months ago with Tibbies (my oldest cat, he’s 20 but in amazing shape. Vets have never believed me and have always been shocked when they see what great condition he’s in for a cat his age!). He was fine as he’s always been, then one day I saw him sitting down in the hallway. Now I’ve had this cat since I was 4 years old and I’m 23 now. I know him better than myself. I could just tell by his stance that something was…off. I started talking to him and petting him and quickly discovered that he couldn’t see. …At all. He lost his sight out of NOWHERE. And this wasn’t something that was slowly coming on. He’s NEVER had any sort of vision or eye problems and that day I looked at him and his pupils were huge. They were dilated with the lights ON, which isn’t normal. Then when he was walking around and bumping into things…oh man. I lost it. Talk about a nightmare; I living one. Seeing my boy in that condition, not being able to see…it was horrible. I immediately got on google and looked up ‘sudden vision loss/blindness in cats’, and found an article that said high blood pressure can cause just that. T’s never had any B/P problems but we took him to the vet immediately, and Dr. J say his blood pressure was sky-high. 400-something I think? So in a sense that was a relief because we had an answer as to what caused the vision loss, but I was still worried sick because no one knew if he’d get it back. Dr. J put him on 2 medications — one for the B/P, and one for his Thyroid. Hypothyroidism is common in older cats. It’s no death sentence, it just happens in animals like it does in people. Dr. J said that he didn’t know if Tibbies would get his sight back, and if he did get it back, how much he would get. So he said to wait about 3 weeks and by then we should know if the medications helped or not. 9 days went by and they were pure hell. EVERY time I saw or heard him bump into something, I would just burst into hysterics. It was like my heart was being punched every time it happened. My Tibb-sters is my world; Anyone who knows me knows that my cats are my world. They’re all special and unique in their own ways but Tibbies is special in that he’s my ‘first born’, if you will. He’s always been with me. I can’t remember any point in my life when he wasn’t a part of it. …And the idea that I might lose him just…oh man. Unacceptable and unexplainable. That’s all I can say.

So 9 days went by after he lost his sight. Those were definitely the longest and hardest 9 days of my entire life. Then on the 9th day he was on the windowsill (he somehow still managed to jump up there even without his sight; He’s amazing), and I noticed he started moving his head. …Like he was looking at something. I went over to look at him and I immediately noticed that his pupils were frickin’ restricted. …And it was on a sunny afternoon. I screamed and Mama ran in and saw him and we both just cried our asses off in joy. HE GOT IT BACK. He got his sight back in 9 damn days. I still can’t believe it, even now. I am so, so grateful. I prayed to my Dad, my Grandpa…asking them to help him, to save him. Call me silly if you want, I don’t care. I’m convinced they saved him for me. Dr. J was shocked when he heard he [Tibbies] got his sight back completely and so soon. We all were. Hell, I still am! He’s been doing wonderfully and Dr. J even said that there’s no reason or signs pointing to why he won’t live on to be a record-breaker. Tibbies is my world, my sunshine, my “boo boo kitty”. Knowing he’s still with me and doing so well…well, to me, it’s priceless.

It’s after 12 and I have more stuff to do today than time to do it (errands, shopping, dance, etc.!), so I gotta go. Have a good week everyone! <3

I’m home! …Okay, so I’ve been home for over a month but I’ve just been really busy and a lot of stuff has been going on!

I’ll blog and go into details about the trip but first I just want to update about what’s been going on recently! I actually started dancing again — ballroom! I totally got sucked into Dancing with the Stars this season because Shawn Johnson was going to be on and I absolutely adore her. I got inspired by her, it looked fun, a new hobby never hurts, and I have my second private/1-on-1 lesson later today! My first one was on Saturday and Lupe’ (my teacher) said I did amazing for someone who’s never done this style of dance before. It was a half-hour session and half-way through we were already working on LIFTS! I couldn’t believe it. I took to the basics pretty quickly. We did Salsa and Cha Cha and it was funner than I could have ever imagined! I’m bringing my cam with me today so hopefully I’ll get some good videos of us dancing. I LOVE the studio I’m at, too. The guy who owns it actually trained Cheryl Burke when she first started out, so I know I’m in the best place in the city. Corky Ballas and Mark Ballas are supposed to be dropping by either this week or next week, so I can not WAIT to meet them! I’m SO, so glad Shawn & Mark won this season. They completely deserved it and were so original and entertaining in every single dance they did. And I’ll admit — I got completely teary-eyed when it was announced that she won.

Ahh crap, It’s almost 1 here. So much for keeping track of time. I gotta go get ready but I’ll finish updating this post later when I get home. Hope everyone had a great weekend and don’t forget to thank all of our men and women in uniform who’ve served our country — past and present! Happy Memorial Day!

So…this time next week I’ll be in LA!

I decided that I need want a vacation, so I just bought a last-minute VIP ticket to the amazing HEROES for Autism event, and will be spending next weekend in Cali! I’m so excited. Not just for the party and to have the opportunity to go, attend, and support a great cause with great people…but also to get outta town for a weekend. And of all ways to spend it, what could be better?!

I’m hoping my darling Mia will be there. I’d love to see her and get the chance to meet her! She’s one of my favorite tweeters and I adore her.

I have no clue who else I know who’s going sans some awesome people from the HEROES cast & crew on twitter, but if you are, do tell!

If you’re not going but would like to help out and support the cause, be sure to visit AutismSpeaks.org. Donate, spread the word, and show your support!

Needless to say when I get back, photo MANIA! I’m sure I’ll post before I go though..!